Even if it means a bit less time for you with the kids if need be.
*oh look! look at this artisan looking soap box. I'm gonna climb right up on it*
Many years ago, in infancy of my divorce, kids Mom offered help with someone... pick them up or something. My lawyer at the time advised me to politely but professionally say essentially "Thanks, but no thanks. I got this. We're fine."
I understand the legal reasonings behind that. It makes sense. But it was the wrong reply.
It's possible an ex can make sincere offers to help out. Sometimes it's more of a passive aggressive move to prove to the kids they are there for them when the other is not. An attempt to "brand" the kids etc.
So I am fortunate enough to have a work that I have a fair amount of autonomy when it comes to the family. Work is over the top supportive in my efforts with the kids. I can often drop things mid day and rise to the occasion. But these past few weeks have been particularly busy. Today both the kids needed a ride and stuff done (we are 50/50). I simply couldn't do it. I was in the office from like 6:30am working straight through.
I notice the kids got picked up by their Mom and dropped off. A few back and forth. At one point I thought their Moms husband was picking my daughter up.
Tonight I got a text from their Mom "Are you ok with me pitching in to help kids get around?"
Now, years ago.. defensiveness may have kicked in. All sorts of self serving and petty justifications would have given me cause to get my back up.
Instead... this. (Yes... I know I am patting myself on the back and I will get all sorts of accusations of narcism. I know how it looks. ")
"Ya I'm grateful for it. Some days I can work from home and i like the thought of being able to "be there". And drop things to show then I support them .. other days I am powerless and have to be in the office. You are helping me a lot ... I wouldn't want them to resent me when they are here because I can't drive them that day for something ... you are picking up the slack and helping for that not to happen and for them to be happy. So I am very grateful and appreciate it"
Now. It wasn't until afterwards that it dawned on my that this would have been impossible for me to do years ago, and impossible for many now.
And many of you may have your ex doing similar things, for wholly self serving reasons as mentioned above. but it doesn't matter. The response doesn't have to change. Because first... maybe you'll giggle out loud to yourself at the thought of them being frustrated that their passive aggressive move didn't get the anger response they were hoping for, one they could use against you. Secondly, if it did actually make them feel good, it cost you NOTHING. In fact, it cost you a whole lot less than hours of back and forth accusations. And thirdly, every parent wants to feel essential in their kids life, valued, and appreciated. Someday maybe you'll get a chance to have your ex appreciate you too for some small act.
* Climbing back down from this lofty perch upon my soap box *
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