One of the hardest things to come to terms with between separated/divorced parents; is that kids often give two completely different stories to the parents. As parents we have to overcome our own confirmation bias tendencies... seemingly to have to employ emotional gymnastics to get to the truth of the matter.
A child who gives two completely different stories to the parents, can do this out of 2 main motivations (this is perhaps an over simplification of course). 1) To appease the parent they are with at the moment, or 2) To play the parents off of each other for their own gain.
Of course 2) is unsavoury and manipulative to contemplate, but also completely normal; both with divorced parents and intact families. It's a thing that takes experience to see through.
I read some recent case law recently where this was illustrated perfectly. Mom said Dad forced child to cut his long hair short and was therefore traumatizing for the child and spoke to Dad's inability to be a supportive parent and too concerned with being the strict parent and having rules followed. That this was just further evidence of Dad being uncompromising and inflexible (in truth he was unreasonably so in other areas). Dad denied this. I feel bad for the Mom, because no doubt the evidence that came out at trial must of felt like the rug was pulled out from under her. When this sort of thing happens, it must leave a parent questioning everything they thought they knew about their kid.
I copied excerpts from Cameron v. Luckhardt, 2023 ONSC 5477 :
[73] The mother in her evidence in chief spoke of the father taking Liam to the barber and cutting off his long hair contrary to Liam’s wishes in September 2022. This was to suggest that the father is insensitive to Liam’s feelings. She testified that Liam loved his long hair. She testified that prior to school in September 2022, Liam wanted to have his hair stay long but would like an undercut which would leave his long hair on the top of his head. She did not seek the father’s consent before taking Liam for the undercut. She testified that 6 days later, the father cut off all of Liam’s hair, against Liam’s wishes. She testified that when Liam returned home from his parenting time, she and Keira were crying and crying because his hair was cut off and Liam told her he didn’t want it cut. Her evidence suggested that this was a traumatic event for Liam. She stated that she was hopeful that he will be able to talk about experiences like this when he goes to counseling.
[74] The father called his barber Adrian Agbedetse as a rebuttal witness. The barber was spontaneous and balanced in his evidence, and I find his evidence to be credible. He testified the father requested that Mr. Agbedetse clean up Liam’s undercut and lines. He testified that it was Liam who requested to have his hair cut short. He testified that as a barber he is reluctant to cut anyone’s long hair, so he asked Liam several times if he was sure he wanted it all cut off. Mr. Agbedetse testified he often goes as far as making the client make the first cut themselves but could not specifically recall if he did this with Liam. He testified that Liam was clear he wanted his long hair short, and that Liam continued to want the hair on the top of his head trimmed during subsequent visits to his shop.
[75] Photos and a video which the father took of the child following the haircut depict a child who is smiling, puffing his chest, and appears happy and proud with his new look.
[76] The father did not cut Liam’s hair contrary to Liam’s wishes. The mother’s dramatic reaction to the haircut is likely what caused Liam to tell the mother that it was the father’s idea because it was abundantly clear to him that his mother did not want his hair cut.
This was just a haircut issue - but it can happen with even more serious consequences like when one child feels they need to pander and protect one parent by saying that they wish they could stay with that parent instead of going to the other. It's how a child deals with conflict in the immediate sense.
This happens with EVERY parent. Even in my own personal life it happens all the time to this day. Happened with me and my kids Mom recently actually. Fortunately my kids Mom and I have a great relationship so we just picked up the phone - talked about what happened, laughed about it, and ended the conversation with a clear understanding that we were actually on the same page and not on opposite sides as the kids had her believe (they were seeking consent for something we were both opposed to - but claiming I gave the ok and was setting Mom up to be the bad guy to say no... which was NOT what happened).
That is not to say we are sometimes not on the same page... but the primary goal is to have minimal/no conflict so that's the driving force that smooths everything out.
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